Wednesday, November 5, 2014

For This Child I Prayed


For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.  1 Samuel 27


It's been so long and I have been so busy with no time to write on my blog.  Well, I have time right now.  I am home recovering from surgery.  A couple of friends have suggested that this might be a good time to blog.  Honestly, this is a good time to watch HGTV, Food Network, and chick flicks too, but none of those things really accomplish much except make me want to remodel, buy a fixer upper, shop for houses, and bake some gourmet cookies, etc.  None of which I can do right now.

I hope that sharing our story may help someone else that suffers loss due to an ectopic pregnancy.  It will help if you all understand that being a Mom has been the deepest longing of my heart.  When David and I married 2.5 years ago, I became step-mom to Shawn.  That helped me release a lot of my maternal energies and I love being his mom deeply but then there's the other 26 days of the month.  My silent prayer that I say almost daily, "Lord, if it be Your will."

On September 18, 2014, I had a sharp pain in my lower left abdomen that caused me to double over.  I made a gynecologist appointment the next day.  My gynecologist that I used for years and years passed away, rude right?  So, I went to see one of his associates.  I went expecting an ultra-sound and some follow up visits.  The doctor performed a pelvic exam and explained that it was most likely an ovarian cyst that burst and it may take a while to get back to normal.  I was not impressed with this doctor and decided that I would not see him again.

I continued having occasional pain and my next menstrual cycle lasted a full two weeks.  The doctor explained that it may take a while for things to get back to normal, so I believed everything was just as it should be.  I would have occasional spotting and the pain gradually increased and was more frequent.

On Monday, October 20th, I called my gynecologist office and explained that I needed to be examined again.  I requested another doctor and explained that I was not impressed with the previous doctor that I met with.  She explained to me that they have a strict no switching policy and that the office manager and both physicians would have to authorize the switch.  She said that I should hear something by Friday.  Friday would be too late.

On Wednesday, October 22nd, David and I returned home from church around 9pm.  I told him that I wasn't feeling well and suspected that it was severe menstrual cramps.  I doubled over in pain and he helped me to bed, but I just couldn't get comfortable.  We decided that we better go to the hospital.  We never imagined what we were about to learn.

We went to TRMC in Sunnyvale.  The tech took urine and blood samples and explained that they always test for pregnancy.  By this point walking was near impossible.  There was a nurse named Lonny.  He was a character with a dry sense of humor and a huge compassion for his patients.  He started an IV so that I could get some pain relief.  The doctor came in asking questions about the dates of my menstrual periods - he was asking a lot of questions and I had my handy app that I use to track this kind of stuff.  He then told us that the pregnancy test was positive, but...  We just got the best news of our life and we also got a "but".  "But we believe you have an ectopic pregnancy because of the extreme pain you are having."

During the ultra-sound, Lonny knocked on the door because he wanted to give me something stronger for pain.  He could have waited until I returned, but he didn't and I thought that was so kind.  I felt very little relief from the pain medicine and accused Lonny of giving me baby aspirin.  He accepted the challenge and began working to relief me from pain - enter morphine.  At about 3am, I was admitted into a room and we knew I would be having surgery in the morning.  There are really no words to describe the amount of pain that I was in.  We don't know when my tube completely burst, but this was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

At around 6am, David started contacting some of our family and friends.  We didn't know what time surgery would be, we only knew it would be that day.  The 7am nurse kept explaining that she didn't know what time and kept dismissing us.  A few friends came by the hospital on their way to work.  David and Rhonda, one of the friends, began pressing the nurse.  The nurse came in and finally realized the amount of pain that I was in and she began hounding the doctor.  The doctor arrived around 10am and acted annoyed that the nurse harassed her so much.  There was almost a fight between the doctor and nurse (which was actually pretty comical) but then the doctor tried to examine me and realized that I couldn't even stand to be touched.  I couldn't stand the blanket on me to be touched.  The doctor immediately called her office and cancelled her appointments.  She said we have to do this right now and she explained to us that this was a life-saving operation.  The operation would save my life, but the life of our child couldn't be saved.

David was able to reach our family and friends.  My Mother-in-law, cousin Cristy, and my parents made it just as I was heading to surgery.  I explained to the anesthesiologist that I was in extreme pain and that's all I remember.  I remember waking up in recovery and asking the nurse how the surgery went.  She answered that everything went good.  Come on nurse, just tell me what she had to remove!!!  I was so thankful that the doctor only had to remove the ruptured tube because, "Lord, if it be Your will."

As I was wheeled back to my room, greeted by my family.  I was just so thankful and so very out of it.  My sweet Mother-in-law stayed with me so David could go home to shower, eat, and rest because he was going to stay the night with me and he had been up two days at this point.  A few friends popped in; some that I remember and some that I don't.  Apparently morphine following anesthesia has magic knock you out powers.

Later that evening David and I visited with our good friends and talked about the gift of being pregnant and that we have a child.  A child that we will meet one day.  A child that never had to feel pain.  A child that was so loved that he was delivered straight into the arms of Jesus.  We cried and we thanked God for this beautiful gift.

We went home after three days in the hospital.  The amount of support and love that we have had is incredible.  After being home for a week I had a big bad breakdown day.  A day full of ugly crying.  I was and sometimes still am so sad.  I am not sad for our baby, blessed little guy.  Straight into the arms of Jesus!  We just barely learned of him and had to say goodbye.  There are days that are harder than other days.  I suspect that a piece of us will always be missing until we leave this earth.

At the age of 46 God gave me the best gift and an answer to a prayer that I have prayed for over 20 years.  I feel like God gave us HOPE and a PROMISE.  It's very easy for the focus to be on my recovery and many recognize my loss, but please remember David. In seconds he hears that his wife is pregnant and that both his wife and child are in trouble.  As much as my Mom heart is hurting, his sweet Daddy heart is hurting too.

Thank you all so much.  Thank you for the prayers, food, calls, texts, visits, and much more.  You have loved us so well.